Lifeisannoying’s Weblog

 anyone who has  ever read this before will know i have  no experiance with men,  ( not talking sexually, i’m talking emtionally) men are virgin territory to me. i grew up in a family that was almost exclusively  female in character,  all my cousins in my age group female,  more aunts than uncles on both sides of mi famillia.  all the male cousins are either  older by ten or more years or  born and bred abroad. my family is very traditional they do not allow people, or their  children into their homes without  forging relationships. my family did not have many close friends so i did not meet any boys my own age until i went to school. there as well as the gender split there was a  cultral one.

  the male peers that i have now are astounded sometimes with me, that i  do not what to say to men and do not know how to simper at men or flirt. they say that with my looks and body i should be fighting off men, but that my obvious discomfort with interaction with  them just scares them away.  there must be some kind of  behavioural pattern  that manifests in your formative years  that i must have just missed.

 my father is the grumpiest man alive. he is forbidding and mean. he is the child/teen hating teacher that lurks in every school/ educational facility. so i was  never going to  be his special little girl….. but that isn’t true. me and my dad were inseparable friends until i entered formal education at age 4. All his ambitions of being the father of  England’s first black prime minister, englands most eminent  scientist  or generally intelligent  woman fell to pieces. I  was fun loving ,cheery, friendly and  just above average. not fantastic , or gifted. he was devastated, how does that manifest itself in a teacher who  thinks  yelling will help students works? he yelled and shouted at me   hoping that being called stupid and ignorant would inspire me to do better…….. However that would not inspire a  terrified  teary eyed 4 year old to do better, it makes her feel stupid and makes her give up on trying.

 so that early years template of male to female relationship was not great. I  met more guys at secondary school. they all hated me, i had opinions and dared to answer back.. thus the template for that evil angry black woman was formed (for those guys). while the other girls smiled and stayed sweet for the guys, the got asked out had sex and got all the experiance in  before i even had  my first kiss.

 so largely i ignored guys and they ignored me, i was like the clunky furniture in the  corner, they knew i was there, they wouldn’t move me i was part of the scenery and  they wouldn’t use me either. so suddenly when guys started throwing themselves at me at the 18-21 age i was  shocked and didn’t know how to deal with it. how could i sort the wheat from the chaff? how do guys behave, how should i behave.

the first guy was a real sleaze but of course i did not know that at first, he made promises and then never  fulfilled even one. the greaseball still tries to touch me when he sees me. yuk yuk. if only i had better relationships with men i would have seen him coming.

mr second was a real sweetie, if he called me and said he was around and ready to commit , i’d  take him faster  than you can say. “big pimpin”

mr third was a  dissapointment, i had feeling and he lied and said it was  reciprocated, lies when i asked him to  take me somewhere that did not involve sheet and bed he was appauled and looked like i asked him to commit incest with his mother and then fry and consume his own penis.

mr four was my main squeeze, brown. sweeter than sugar, i grew with him for two years and what i know about  men is down to his patience and time and affection, i think love was too much to ask of him, but if he could open his heart to me i would marry him in a heart beat.

so where did brown leave me. Well what i could summize from my previous relationships was that men are restless fanny botherers, with no capacity for human emotion, having children and lavishing fine emotion on them is a waste? NO NO NO!! i never give up hope that there is man out there.

 right now, i cannot take any more heart ache,  so instead i date lots of men  in a non- commital fashion ( without strings and sex mostly) to try and feel out  what men are all about. i used a guy for sex. he was trying  and i was resisting and  he asked me straight up if   would use him. i was like  why ever not.

How many men have  used me without being upfront, so i did just that. And it felt so bloody good!!!!!!!!!! he was my split and he looked very disappointed when i said that i was not looking for another go or a relationship. i did not want more sex cos he was killing me (too much of a good thing) and could not have a relationship because i did not know enough about men,.

maybe my approach is naive,  but i do not understand them and feel my only method of getting to know them is in social settings, getting men to social occassions is no mean feat, so you have to date them in a casual setting.

anyhoo, more men to meet.