maturity.
I am nearing my mid twenties ( i have between 2 and 3 years) . at my age my mother was engaged my my grandmother was married with 3 children. yet here i am, living at home leading a sedentary life, with a semi- serious relationship with a man in his early thirties.
my friends are all getting married, i am kinda pissed that somehow. my invite always seems to go awry. some even have babies , some live in council houses some rent private apartments. it’s hard not to measure your life against other people and their way of life, but it’s an unhealthy thing to do. Nobody has the same experiance of life or develops in the same way.
I do feel slightly left out, but that has always been the way. at school i was the first to show sign of physical development. i was never self- conscious because i had good parents and i was never made to feel ashamed by my development. yet in my years of schooling i had never had a boyfriend. ( not in england anyway) . Adolescent boys are creatures of pack instinct and behaviour they follow their friends, now if their friends thought that petite black girls, with modest breasts and a juicy traditional west indian bottoms were hot, i would have been in high demand. however boys at school they general consensus was that white girls with large breasts/long legs were they order of the day. thus i did not get any play. it’s different story now though, everyone has grown up, we have the strength to stand away from the crowd and stand up for what we believe and like.
so here i am, i want better things, yes of course but these things take money and time. money is short, it has always been my one lifelong concern. although my father makes good money, he grew up in extreme poverty. he has made everything he owns by himself. he thinks by helping us financially ( my mother and i) he is harming us in the long-term, there might be truth in that if we went shopping everyday for luxury items, but we are not that kind of women. so my mother and i struggle by on small wages. if i could drive i could get a better job that paid more. but i am always helping at home, with groceries and the like that come the end of the month i am down to about £70. well under the £250 needed for driving lessons and tests. i would love a small apartment of my own, but i need the job first. it’s the worst catch twenty two.
my relationship is one of kinks and tears. we met over two years ago. he is the most mysterious man. gentle kind and very courteous. but he is the once bitten twice is shy variety. he has his moods of total introspection and it is something i could watch, he retreats and just gets lost in thought. I admit my relative inexperience makes the relationship difficult. i have never liked a man this much, but am wary to let him know, i do not care what anyone says men are hard to understand. when i was still growing boys only thought i existed to be made fun of. My mother and father did not raise me to be anyone’s bufoon so i always stood my ground. it led to arguements, i was the punching bag and fpor the longest while i did not believe guys when they were nice to me, it just did not fit with the exeperiance that i had .
But the thing about growing up and maturity, you have to at some point stop whinging ( please note the above whinge is there for illustration only) and get on with life. So this month, i will get my bonus, spend it on getting a block week of driving lessons and start on the road to bettering myself.
Pray for me.
